Random Google Searches: Pumpkin

Every so often I put a seemingly normal word into the Google image search and I get a really interesting array of results.  This is one of those posts.

Search term: pumpkin

Pardon my French, but that’s a big fucking pumpkin.

This makes me giggle.  And also think of these and this in particular.

 

This is a real meat patty.  Its insane!  Nice work on the pumpkin seeds though.

This was a contestant in a pumpkin carving contest.  Something pithy about art and temporary mediums might have occurred to me a few years ago, but now I just look at it and think, “How the hell do they have that much time on their hands?  They must not have kids.”

Drunken Pumpkins

I particularly like the reuse of the pumpkin innards.  I’m starting to think of more disturbing uses for them now…

One wonders how the tip those bottles into their mouths without opposable thumbs.  Or hands.

And to leave you on an even more disturbing note, here’s a weird video from YouTube about Humpkin the gay pumpkin.  He’s also an alcoholic.  If you’re offended, be sure to take it personally.

Another blog about a kid

The difference is, its probably the only way most of you will have to keep up with her.  I’m going to start doing this weekly, and try to go up from there.  If you READ it and COMMENT on things, then I might be encouraged to do more with it.  You never know.

As most of the people who would be reading this will already know, I never wanted to have kids.  Despite this firm belief that I would never reproduce and oral contraceptives to reinforce that faith, I got pregnant anyway.  Its really my mother’s fault; she always wanted me to have a grandchild for her, and she finally got her nefarious way.  Oh, it’s also her fault that she’s a girl.  That’s right, I put it in writing.  HER FAULT.  Go ahead, try to argue with me.

Anywho, we’re coming up on Kori Lynn’s first birthday, which is really surreal to me.  Thank God the little brats, er, darlings don’t really separate different days like they will in a few years.  I think that’s the only saving grace about this period of time.

I spent the majority of the day running around jumping through various governmental administrative hoops, which was ever so much fun.  Then we went to Toys-R-Us.  With Kori.  For two hours.  It was also her first time with shoes on, walking around.  She didn’t like them, and constantly ran away from me and mom because, I can only assume, we’re the horrible people that put these terrible things on her feet, and so if she ran to another adult she can totally get them to remove them for her, please?

First, putting shoes on this kid is kind of like trying to strap C4 to a struggling cat: its dangerous, not very fun, and someone is bound to get hurt.  She acts as if you’re trying to murder her, arching her back, screaming, kicking, twisting; it’s a nightmare.  So after the long, long struggle to put the shoes on her, she spent a good five minutes trying to scrape them off, then finally stood with them on.  She started stomping around, angrily, but then got a little happy when she realized that stomping on the floor is fun, and these things on her feet don’t make her heels sting when she puts the full force of her baby anger into her stomps.  She still didn’t like it though, and kept running away from me and my mom at every opportunity and cried if we picked her up.  It was hilarious, for the first 3 minutes.  Then the next 27 were unbearable.  Their low center of gravity must account for the surprising speed in the human offspring, because I don’t think that even in my prime I could ever have pulled off those speeds.

After putting nearly ever toy in her reach in her mouth, running from us, and screaming at the top of her lungs in a mixture of anger and happiness (which is something I notice kids do a lot…), she finally calmed down when we got into the truck, out on the street, then to the highway.  Well, a little bit down the highway…ok, she screamed almost the entire way home, and that’s a long fucking drive.  God I’ll be glad when crying and screaming aren’t her primary means of communication.  By then of course she’ll be married and on her own…

Windows Live Writer

Trying out this new (to me) program called Windows Live Writer that is basically a blog writing program that’s free, easy to use, and modular.  Exactly what I like in a free software program.  Normally I’m not a fan of Microsoft programs, and I’m sure I’ll be trying out some alternatives to WLW, but for the moment, I think this is an amazing tool, and something that might actually make me keep blogging regularly.

Back for a while.

Well, my site has been shut down due to lack of payment. In this economy having money to eat on is hard enough, not to mention money to pay for silly domain names so you look cool to your friends.

Temporary Shutdown

Which kind of describes my year so far. My father died on January 11, I found out a good friend of mine died a few days before Christmas and no one called me, and now another member of my family is in the hospital critically ill. I'm going to migrate my blog to my real website, http://www.antiquotidian.com, and just keep this here for traffic. It will probably be a few weeks before I get everthing moved, but see you there.

Goodbye

My dad passed away yesterday.

Please, don't let your loved ones die in a hospital if they would have wanted to die somewhere else.

Bad News

Well, my dad went into the hospital again on Wednesday. He was breathing funny and his heart was beating irregularly and mom called the ambulance, which drove down our 2 mile driveway to her cramped and cluttered office.

They took him to the hospital.

The doctors say he is in severe respirtory distress and has congestive heart failure. My stepbrother is crying on the phone, and my stepsister is on her way here from Montana. (Grrr.) We slept on the floor of the ICU at St. John's, and my back has never felt worse.

Jah, the pee cat

So, one fine day, Jah, our newest addition, had run into the bathroom with Chambers and was in his typical position watching the water. I'm sitting on the couch, about 10 feet away. Chambers flushes, and all I hear is "Where did all the pee go, Jah?"

At this point I should tell you that Jah loves to watch water. Water swirling, water cascading, water falling, water sitting. He loves the stuff. When you go to the bathroom, he runs in ahead of you to beat you to the toilet in hopes of watching you pee. In my case, he attempts to place himself in the 3 inches behind my ass and the back of the toilet. In Chambers' case, he puts his paws on the toilet seat and gazes into the depths of the bowl.

Having cats is like having kids. Fuck.

Come the fuck on...

I'm sure all you received the FBI email virus, and if you didn't, lucky you! I opened Thunderbird and started to sort through my copious emails. One immediately caught my eye: "IMPORTANT: Your IP address has been logged at several illegal sites." Well, I thought, that's a little weird. I look at the sender, and it says simply "FBI." Hmmm. I run my virus protection on it, and it comes up null (mainly because it had already cleaned it and I'm retarded), so I take a chance and open it. I really want to see what they think an FBI email would read like. I was appalled. I was amazed. I was laughing my ass off.

Dear Sir/Madam,

we have logged your IP-address on more than 30 illegal Websites.

Important:
Please answer our questions!
The list of questions are attached.

Yours faithfully,
Steven Allison

Look, first of all, if the FBI wanted to ask you questions, they would come to your door. They stop you outside of work. They call you the phone. They do not contact you by letter, electronic or otherwise. Secondly, what kind of illegal websites? Let's assume that the FBI is really contacting you regarding your illegal surfing habits. Pre-9/11 the FBI would have needed a warrant to "tap" your online habits, for the most part, which means they would have already have proof of your illegal surfing habits. Now of course, they can listen/watch/fuck with you whenever they damn well please. The FBI is not interested in music or movie downloading, no matter what the media might tell you. They are concerned with large-scale drug trafficking, smuggling, kidnapping/slave trade, child pornography/abuse, and terrorism, though not necessarily in that order. What makes them illegal? Are you searching kiddie porn, or are you just downloading music?

Listen fuckers, do you really think the FBI doesn't know someone's name? Or that they would attach "questions" for you to answer, then ask "please?" Come on fuckwads, don't you think we're smarter than that? Just because 51% of America is stupid doesn't mean the rest of us are.

Happy Thankstaking Day!

Well, this turkey day was a little different than the past few ones. You see, my mom has been pretty apathetic about holidays since I moved out (probably a common occurence in a one child house), so we've taken to going out on turkey day, usually to Shoney's for their Thankstaking buffet. For some strange reason, this year mom decided to cook and do the family thing again. She baked cookies, did the turkey, the whole nine yards. It was a little surrealistic, especially after several years on home-cooked meal hiatus. I'm feeling all tired from all the food I've eaten today, what with the snacks and the turkey I feel about a hundred pounds heavier. Thank dieties it only happens once a year!

My dad had an accident in bed again today, and my sweet Chambers cleaned him up and helped him to the table while I helped mom finish the mashed potatoes and set the table. Alzheimer's is a shitty thing, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. If any of you have loved ones, donate to Alzheimer's research, and keep up with the news about it. There are lots of crazy whacked out theories regarding its origins and risk factors, but at this point I'm willing to believe almost anything.

I must go now, one of my cats is trying to rehang our curtains using only his claws and a small toy mouse, so I must express my domination and displeasure in cat-speak. Have a happy Turkey day, and don't forget about all the taking we did on that first celebration years ago.

Hair Metal Bands are not shitty

For the most part.

A pox on Christ Richter and his XANGA site where his facts are skewed and his opinions are WRONG. And the worst part is I can't even comment without being a member of xanga, which is against my beliefs. Fuck Xanga!

Listen, Christ, "Heaven Isn't Too Far Away" is by Warrant, not Skid Row, as evident by the forced soprano of Jani Lane, rather than the lilting falsetto of Sebastian Bach, the sexiest man in leather pants. And he's super smart, as evidenced on The Weakest Link. He was 2nd, mother fuckers! Let's see Jani beat that with a brand new can of Aqua Net! And if that isn't enough for you, Skid Row womped Pantera's asses in a softball match.

And, Springfield has never had a good music scene, except maybe in 1993 for about 15 seconds.

In addition, Black Flag was the best band of the 70s, since that was when they started. Fuck the 80s! "The Reagan Years!"

You might think this angst is jealously-driven, and you'd be right. I'm so fucking jealous of the cleverness of Christ that I can't type straight. You should give him a read, always good for a laugh.

ColourLOVERS

You should check out this great color site ColourLOVERS. Its a color community with some great features. Along with Flickr, its one of the best sites on the web! Check out my colors at my profile.

Sage fucking Francis

Sage Francis is awesome. Just saw him in Fayetteville, Arkansas on November 5 and it was, as always, a beautiful experience. Sage, Sole, and the Sollioquists of Sound make a beautiful family.

That's the thing about Sage and his shows; they are so intimate. There could be hundreds of people there, but you think that Sage is only performing for you, he's that real. I don't gush about artists, and especially not about rap artists, but Sage is to hip hop what Picasso was to painting. Sage is a brilliant man, the best wordsmith I've ever heard, and has a wicked sense of humor.

Amid reservations about playing in the "buckle of the Bible belt," Sage and his crew played the best show I've managed to catch, and left everyone feeling that much more "together." The Sollioquists of Sound dedicate a song to all the 9-5 workers out there, then tell them to quit their jobs and do what they love. "You think you can't do it? You've got a whole support group here, you should help each other do what you love, do what you dream about." When they say things like that, and you're in that audience, you believe it can happen, you believe in the decency of your fellow man.

Speaking of, we were driving home on a local US highway a couple of nights ago, when we saw a girl walking on the side of the road, obviously stranded. We turned around and picked her up to discover she was walking to Rogersville (a good 10 miles from where we picked her up) after her Tracker's wheel fell off. She couldn't have been more than 16 years old, and the tiniest little thing you've ever seen; she wouldn't have lasted more than ten minutes on that highway. We were more decent human beings for a little while after that.

Have you done a good deed today?

Are you a tard?

I've thought a lot about this, and I wonder...wouldn't the definition of 'retarded' be 'to be tarded again?' So, wouldn't one have to first be a 'tard' to subsequently be 'retarded?' Is the rampant misuse of this word evidence of America's dumbing down? Or do I just have too much free time on my hands?

Speaking of free time, have you seen the eHarmony commericials, with the founder and all the lovely heterosexual couples who are (supposedly) living happy lives they started through eHarmony? Not only have I seen merely two black couples and no other races or biracial relationships, I've not seen any homosexuals who've found happiness through the service. We know that gay people always look fab, so it can't be that they can't find a photogenic couple. Perhaps homosexuals can't find love of eHarmony. And speaking of homosexuals, have you ever seen Dr. Neil Clark Warren, the founder of eHarmony, with his partner, hetero or otherwise? Obviously he hasn't used the service. Hey Neil, you can find your soulmate at eHarmony.com. Try it today and get a free personality profile.

Quick fact: that thing underneath your close button (in PC browsers) that animates when you're loading a webpage is called a "throbber." Yeah, you heard it here first.

Why me?

Typical conversation with my significant other:

C: I think Spazz [one of our cats] is gay.

Me: Why?

C: If Mosrael [another of our cats] were a boy, then she would be Phil [a gay guy we know].

Me: What does that have to do with Spazz?

C: If she were a boy, she would be gay and that would make Spazz gay...

Me: First, you're just hypothesizing about a hypothetical, and that's just ass-fucked retarded. Second...you know, there doesn't even need to be a second.

Submissions and headaches

Well, just got back from the Colorado State Fair, and I just want to reiterate a certain point... I HATE KANSAS!

I also submitted a t-shirt design to Synthetic Apparatus, a 50/50 band/fan community. You should check it out and vote for me. My submission, Always, is below:



More later. Sleep now.

Funny shit

Free to good Home
Originally uploaded by SoftStone.

This is a great photo from one of my contacts at Flickr, the best photo-sharing site on the internet. In my opinion. Which is correct. If you want to see my photos, click here.

PWM Fiasco Revisted

Well, you may have read my tirade about local band Playing With Matches a few weeks ago. I'm revisiting this because I had a huge altercation with one of the mods from Mo Rawk (a local music messageboard), and the more I think about it, the more angry I get. So I decided to make this a multi-part blog post (and I need more posts, so nyah!).

After my blog entry, I knew I wasn't going to be satisfied with the hundred or so people who visit my blog every day, I needed everyone to know what PWM was doing, and hopefully inspire a movement against arrogant no-talent assclowns upstaging the band(s) people paid to see. Where, I thought to myself during my morning blood-letting sacrifice to pagan gods, could I post a message that would be seen by the people it would matter the most to, the kids in the music "scene" here in Springfield. Ahh, the Evil One must have been pleased with my offerings, because - BAM! - inspiration: Mo Rawk, our local music scene messageboard. Ye-ah! I rushed to my computer (concientiously wiping the blood off my hands) and registered for an account at once.

At the registration screen, I was buffeted by the canned disclaimer that phpBB packages with its BBS software...South Park styly, I clicked "I agree and am over or exactly 13 years of age" (like 10 years ago). There I chose my screen name (can you guess?), entered my information, and waited for the confirmation email. As soon as I had it in my hot little Gmail inbox, I activated my account and got ready to post in the "Music & Culture" topic.

Okay, if you know me, you probably know my most favorite word is "fuck," and not in a slutty way (at least, not all the time). But, because I was posting to a public forum, I held my tongue on the f-word, because, hey, there might be kids listening. Besides, I'm not so self-absorbed that I think everyone wants to hear (or read) me saying fuck every third word. Or agrees with my opinions, for that matter. The most profane word I posted on Mo Rawk was "assclown." Which I think describes PWM perfectly. C'mon, "assclown" is totally PG-13!

I also posted a poll, and this was a piece of work, if I do say so myself:

Do you think the local band Playing With Matches are assclowns?

1. Yes
2. Yes, but their music is ok.
3. No
4. Who?
5. They're a band? That's supposed to be music coming out of those amps?!
6. No, and I don't appreciate you having an opinion.
   

So, along with a toned-down yet still angry version of my blog post, I had this poll. I'm not stupid; I knew I was going to get reamed by PWM fans (all 5 of them) after they got out of school, but I wasn't expecting what actually happened. I received a message from one of the mods in the forum about my post:

From: Helmut Grokenberger
To: xtoq
Posted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 9:43 am
Subject: posts

Thanks for your input to the board, I checked out your blog and I agree with you on the PWM scenario, however. I had to edit some of your post.

We try to draw the line at personal "attacks" and namecalling, or else things get a little crazy. I do not object to the topic of sharing opinions no PWM, but please keep the "ass clown" stuff out of it.

Thanks and hope you post more.

If you have any questions, please PM be back.

_________________
Here we are in our summer years / Living on icecream and chocolate kisses

Pretty civilized and polite, eh? I thought so too, and not just because he agreed with me. Okay, that was a little of it, but take that sentance out and its still a professional way to handle an "offensive" post on a public messageboard. Presented this way, Mr. Grokenberger could have completely deleted my post and banned me from posting and I wouldn't have been angry, I would have been cowed. Which I was anyway, even though he simply deleted the poll and all mentions of the word "assclown." My main beef was what PWM did, and I'm articulate enough to express myself without excess profanity. I responded immediately:

From: xtoq
To: Helmut Grokenberger
Posted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 10:01 am
Subject: Re: posts

Thanks, sorry, guess I didn't read the rules too closely. I understand.

_________________
There is absolutely no evidence to support the theory that life is serious.

Next episode: the mod from HELL.

Subdivisions are the new trees

Everywhere I go, I am beseiged by the sight of "development." They are "developing" nature into suburbia. Just today, I drove by a driveway with an old house at the end of it, bulldozers knocking on the door. Its neighbors were six-figure cookie cutters arranged eighteen inches apart on a couple of dozen acres. Shit, they could fit five houses on the generous lot of the farm house. Did someone really build and care for this house only to have it demolished because it was a square peg in a round hole?

I live in a rural area, where agriculture is the primary means of support. Families have been farming and raising livestock in this area for over two hundred years, passing their land and possessions down through the generations. Now, with agriculture in the slump that it is, big-time developers are coming forward and offering farmers and their families crazy amounts of money for their prime farm land. They buy thousands of acres of forest, forest that is just beginning to recover from massive logging trauma in the late 19th century, then tear down the trees, build a million houses, and plant trees. Why? Those trees will take at least a decade to be of any use to the owners. Wouldn't one or two of those trees be useful, or God forbid, asthetically pleasing?

If you can't agree with anything else, agree with this: if you pay six figures for a house, your yard should be at least as big as the square footage of your home. Burn suburbia!

Twin Fish Records

So you may or may not know, but I'm now "working" for a local record company called Twin Fish Records. They're pretty new, so no website yet, but we're working on it. Its actually a collaboration between many Electronic Arts (sound, video and animation majors) students and Darcy Stevens. Darcy's wife owns the company, and Darcy is the vice-president, and the students are the employees. I'm pretty excited about this; not only is this exactly what I want to do with my life, but the people I'm working with are people I like, which may not always be the case in later years. At least until I'm a big-league producer/mixer and everyone wants me for their record; then I can pick and choose who I want to work with. Till then though, I'll have to take what I can get.